Phony Tough, Crazy Brave...EVIL!!!

In order to give a coherent vision of our world to the handful of people who may be reading this blog, we have decided to go through each of the characters, starting with the premier players. Today's blog will begin with The Undertaker.

Not much is known about Undertaker's early years. Many conflicting accounts of his youth have been presented, but only a few details have been confirmed. Scholars know that The Undertaker was born as The Undertaker sometime in the past. Undertaker grew up in a family with one known brother named Kane. While in his youth The Undertaker burnt down his childhood home killing his parents and temporarily scaring his brother for 25 years. Paul Bearer, a family friend who suffered from being in a state of constant animation thereby causing him immense pain, adopted Undertaker and groomed him to enter professional wrestling. Undertaker and Paul Bearer (whose constant agony altered his voice to an unimaginable high pitch), joined the WWE and immediately began to score victories in the organization. Despite this success Undertaker felt a void in his life and decided to become thoroughly evil. Taker tirelessly researched evil, but only learned the true meaning of the word after he delivered a piledriver to Psycho Sid just after the later had soiled his shorts. The experience of having one's face in another man's poop covered rear, caused Takers eyes to roll back in his head and he finally achieved enlightenment. This final step made The Undertaker truly evil, and he expressed his new found skill by rolling his eyes back for WWE's cameras just long enough to show the fans before the excruciating pain caused him to yell, "cut away, cut away, cut away".

Undertaker's newly discovered evil would be strengthened by his subsequent separation from long time manager Paul Bearer. Bearer, driven by anger and spite introduced Undertaker to his slightly mentally handicapped and severely temporarily scarred brother Kane. Bearer had kept Kane secret (the details of Kane's life will be revealed later) from Taker and now secured legal action giving Taker as the eldest brother, full custody of Kane. Undertaker now found himself in possession of a dependent, and decided that he must secure a home for the two. Undertaker had spent his earlier years residing on his hog (motorcycle) eating snakes in the desert and reciting lines of gibberish. Undertaker now discovered that he must become an adult and show responsibility. They bought a home at 4707 Jacobs Glen Drive, and have been residing there ever since.

Undertaker's new responsibility also opened up a whole new life for the evil man. Undertaker began to fritter away his days setting his brother on fire or making him do things that would cause him pain. A year after purchasing a home, they leased a car for $3 a month. The car, complete with a tarp roof would be used by the brothers when commuting back and forth between RAW, the car would also play a part in the horrible scaring of Kane after Undertaker lit the tarp on fire. The brothers also started a dance sensation shortly after their reunion. It all started after Undertaker did his tightrope dance on the ring ropes, and Kane shook his butt on the turnbuckle. The song they sang went on to break numerous records. A year later, Kane and Undertaker also brought a new member of their family into their home. After Kane mentioned he wanted a puppy, Undertaker fearing that Kane might hurt the dog kidnapped and imprisoned WCW wrestler Reno instead. Reno's wrestling attire resembled a diaper and he has been their "baby" ever since.


Undertaker's life has only gotten better over the past few years. His evil has increased, and his salary along with Kane's, has kept their home stocked with cookies, water, and the necessary fuel to keep Reno's crib on fire. Hulk Hogan and Macho Man's purchase of the house next door was only the first of numerous wrestlers that later moved into the neighborhood, including unwelcome guest Gangrel. The Undertaker has since began to pursue other interests. He once went out to the desert with Big Show so that they could carry their motorcycles on their backs and eat snakes (A favorite past time of his). He also has shown a ability to work in the field of science, even going so far as building a time machine out of a tomato. There doesn't seem to be a lot that Undertaker can't do, but with time, the world will soon become more acquainted with all the things he can do.