So you can take that cookie, and stick it in my SLIT!

While The Undertakers past is shrouded in mystery, even less is known about his younger sibling Kane. What we do know at this point is that the life of the man we know as Kane really began when the fires of his brothers child hood prank killed his parents and left him horribly (see not at all) disfigured, forcing the behemoth to don a mask and red body suit to cover his hideously fire ravaged (see perfectly normal) body. Thankfully his chokeslamming arm was left un altered, as it was the families dominant appendage. Kane survived locked away for years in a dungeon underneath the house of Paul Bearer, a friend to the Taker family. It should be noted, that Bearer's house was perfectly normal in every way and more than capable of housing another person, but due to Kane's horribly disfigured mask he was kept in solitude, befriending rats. This is also where Kane discovered his love for fresh baked cookies. Possibly a throwback to his happier days as a child at home in the Taker family household, but more than likely because they were easily accessible through his mask slit.

Years later before breaking into the wrestling business (where he would settle his bitter blood feud with his brother via pinfall) Kane tried his hand in advertising, actually getting as far as a low budget advertisement for cookies. (his only and therefore favorite food he enjoyed growing up in the dungeon) While delivering the now infamous line "C is for cookie!" Kane botched the line by saying "B is for cookie!" forcing him to be fired from the project and revealing that he was actually mentally retarded. Mental deficiency or not, Kane decided that with his acting career on the backburner (no pun intended) it was now time to set out to destroy the man who scarred him for life, in the only medium he knew how, through the sport of professional wrestling.

To disguise his voice (or perhaps due to dried out throat from lack of milk with his cookies) Kane started using a mechanical voice box. He was immediately shunned by his fellow sports entertainment peers because of his unspeakably unattractive mask and was often heard saying "I apologize." to his recent offendees.

Years later, after their inner family war over the death of their parents, Kane and Undertaker realized they had been duped by none other than their family friend Paul Bearer and decided to form a common bond from their love of professional wrestling and start anew as a family.

Life as whole improved for Kane. He now had a happy home with his brother, a son in the form of WCW Powerplant superstar Reno, and a dank new dungeon in which to sleep in. However, it was revealed to him after only a few hours in the House of Ultimate Evil that things hadn't really changed over the past 25 years. The Undertaker immediately began lighting parts of Kane's body on fire, as a cure for his never ending boredom and need to maintain his evil status, though not in question.

But life hasn't been all bad. Kane has since befriended a fellow lackey of his brothers Gangrel. He's also gotten back into show business with his take of Limp Bizkits "Nookie" entitled, you guessed it, "Cookie". Yes it would seem the skies the limit for this young burn victim/turned overnight superstar. But there's a hole with a fat guy dangling out of it , so Kane doesn't go up there. ( this will be explained in a future blog )

Phony Tough, Crazy Brave...EVIL!!!

In order to give a coherent vision of our world to the handful of people who may be reading this blog, we have decided to go through each of the characters, starting with the premier players. Today's blog will begin with The Undertaker.

Not much is known about Undertaker's early years. Many conflicting accounts of his youth have been presented, but only a few details have been confirmed. Scholars know that The Undertaker was born as The Undertaker sometime in the past. Undertaker grew up in a family with one known brother named Kane. While in his youth The Undertaker burnt down his childhood home killing his parents and temporarily scaring his brother for 25 years. Paul Bearer, a family friend who suffered from being in a state of constant animation thereby causing him immense pain, adopted Undertaker and groomed him to enter professional wrestling. Undertaker and Paul Bearer (whose constant agony altered his voice to an unimaginable high pitch), joined the WWE and immediately began to score victories in the organization. Despite this success Undertaker felt a void in his life and decided to become thoroughly evil. Taker tirelessly researched evil, but only learned the true meaning of the word after he delivered a piledriver to Psycho Sid just after the later had soiled his shorts. The experience of having one's face in another man's poop covered rear, caused Takers eyes to roll back in his head and he finally achieved enlightenment. This final step made The Undertaker truly evil, and he expressed his new found skill by rolling his eyes back for WWE's cameras just long enough to show the fans before the excruciating pain caused him to yell, "cut away, cut away, cut away".

Undertaker's newly discovered evil would be strengthened by his subsequent separation from long time manager Paul Bearer. Bearer, driven by anger and spite introduced Undertaker to his slightly mentally handicapped and severely temporarily scarred brother Kane. Bearer had kept Kane secret (the details of Kane's life will be revealed later) from Taker and now secured legal action giving Taker as the eldest brother, full custody of Kane. Undertaker now found himself in possession of a dependent, and decided that he must secure a home for the two. Undertaker had spent his earlier years residing on his hog (motorcycle) eating snakes in the desert and reciting lines of gibberish. Undertaker now discovered that he must become an adult and show responsibility. They bought a home at 4707 Jacobs Glen Drive, and have been residing there ever since.

Undertaker's new responsibility also opened up a whole new life for the evil man. Undertaker began to fritter away his days setting his brother on fire or making him do things that would cause him pain. A year after purchasing a home, they leased a car for $3 a month. The car, complete with a tarp roof would be used by the brothers when commuting back and forth between RAW, the car would also play a part in the horrible scaring of Kane after Undertaker lit the tarp on fire. The brothers also started a dance sensation shortly after their reunion. It all started after Undertaker did his tightrope dance on the ring ropes, and Kane shook his butt on the turnbuckle. The song they sang went on to break numerous records. A year later, Kane and Undertaker also brought a new member of their family into their home. After Kane mentioned he wanted a puppy, Undertaker fearing that Kane might hurt the dog kidnapped and imprisoned WCW wrestler Reno instead. Reno's wrestling attire resembled a diaper and he has been their "baby" ever since.


Undertaker's life has only gotten better over the past few years. His evil has increased, and his salary along with Kane's, has kept their home stocked with cookies, water, and the necessary fuel to keep Reno's crib on fire. Hulk Hogan and Macho Man's purchase of the house next door was only the first of numerous wrestlers that later moved into the neighborhood, including unwelcome guest Gangrel. The Undertaker has since began to pursue other interests. He once went out to the desert with Big Show so that they could carry their motorcycles on their backs and eat snakes (A favorite past time of his). He also has shown a ability to work in the field of science, even going so far as building a time machine out of a tomato. There doesn't seem to be a lot that Undertaker can't do, but with time, the world will soon become more acquainted with all the things he can do.

Our World...

Welcome to OUR WORLD, the brainchild created out of boredom by my friend Todd and I during the "Attitude Era" of WWE (then F) and "Russo Era" WCW (then F'd). To explain the inner workings of what is now a rather extensive list of who's who in our twisted imaginings we start simply....with a house.

To the untrained eye this house looks like any other. Set in a quaint suburban residential area; like one found in everytown, USA, one would hardly suspect that 4707 Jacobs Glen Drive serves as the domicile for ultimate evil. The Brothers of Destruction. One so horrible, he once set his baby brother on fire, and killed the rest of the family in the resulting backdraft. The other forced to live a life behind a mask, the rats in the dungeon (that served as his bedroom) his only friends, but the cookies were great! I speak of none other than the WWF's own residential phenoms The Undertaker and Kane!

OUR WORLD's Undertaker and Kane are much different than the tv persona's you've seen over the years. Actually not entirely, because unlike in the real world, OUR brothers live their gimmicks and live together, often bickering more like a married couple than two brothers, due mainly to them co fathering their adopted son Reno. More on each of them individually in my next blog.

Next door to The House of Ultimate Evil separated only by a white picket fence is the Mega-Power House, the base of operations for Hulk Hogan and his roommate The Macho Man Randy Savage (who occasionally fights crime and hits on 14 yr old girls, when not serving at nighttime lighting) Lost yet? Read on.

Yet again, further down the road lives Gangrel. (As a matter of fact his place of residence has never been revealed.) Gangrel is a lovable neighbor, who often hangs out at Kane and Undertakers house arguing with baby Reno and hoping to hitch a ride to RAW. (Expect much more in depth blogs concerning the resident vampire, involving his stint at a well known department store and his "day job" in the sky.)

Well that's all for now, I hope to have intrigued you enough to check back in the future for updates on what has consumed my teenage and twenty something years.